Hello-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, out there…

Yes, I’m still alive and kicking, in spite of the many weeks of silence. I’ve been experiencing a little period of feeling totally overwhelmed, maybe even disoriented, like I’m clinging to a tiny chunk of bark in a spinning whirlpool. I think I’m finally beginning to get my feet to touch solid ground once again.

My sis and I flew home on February 6, planning to remain at home until after Spring Break. We were scheduled to fly back to California on March 31, but within a few days after we arrived home, Dick & Nancy called to let us know that they feel we have reached a point in Dick’s illness where they wanted it to be just the two of them for the remaining time Dick may have left on this old dirt ball. At that same time, they invited Mom to head home, as well. We totally understood what they were asking and why they wanted it to be that way. In fact, I think I had secretly anticipated that we would eventually reach that point.

Since we left Dick’s, his cancer has progressed surprisingly fast. Keep in mind we’ve barely been gone a month. At first he began having increased difficulty walking and needed help making it from the couch or his bed to another part of the house (e.g. bathroom, bedroom, etc.). Next he became unable to feed or bathe himself. At that point Hospice was brought into the picture, at first coming twice a week, and now pretty much on a daily basis. At that same time they brought in a hospital bed which has been set up in their living room. He spent his days in the hospital bed so that he could rest, watch TV and yet be part of daily household activities (only as an observer, but at least he wasn’t stuck in the bedroom).

As of last week, Nancy can no longer maneuver Dick into his wheelchair (or whatever conveyance) to move him into the bathroom or to their bedroom at night to sleep in his own bed with her. So he began using a bedside commode (and I doubt he can even sit up to do that any longer, as of this writing), and now spends his time in the hospital bed. Nancy has to sleep with one ear tuned to hear him in case he should need help during the night. Needing help is highly probable since he can’t even turn himself or move in the bed at all. The sad thing is that his mental capabilities are pretty much totally intact, so now he has the dubious pleasure of helplessly lying there watching himself slip away an inch at a time. In the words of one of my dearest friends (a two-time cancer survivor who also lost both parents to the disease) who loudly proclaims, “Cancer sucks!” She couldn’t be more right about that! I pray every day that he won’t wake up to face another day of suffering. Enough, already!

Life sometimes has a way of throwing one monkey wrench after another into the “machinery.” As things have begun winding down toward the worst of conclusions for my precious brother, here comes another critical situation to be dealt with. This past Thursday Darrell awoke from an afternoon nap and told me he felt as if someone were standing on his chest. He wouldn’t let me call 9-1-1, but I did ultimately convince him to let me take him to ER.

Of course, by the time we reached the hospital, his symptoms had subsided. Actually, I was pretty thankful for that! That was just after 4:30 p.m. Five hours later, after undergoing a myriad of tests, poking, prodding, and a buzzillion questions, the ER docs decided to admit Darrell to the hospital's cardiac unit. We were both certain they would just keep an eye on him overnight and send him home the next day, but that didn’t happen. He ended up staying four nights and parts of 5 days. One issue to consider was that Darrell had all of his upper teeth extracted on February 9, and they were concerned that possibly some residual infection had settled into his heart valves. However, tests eventually ruled that out as the cause of the problem.

We were finally able to bring him home last evening (Monday), but only because of the fact that we were already scheduled to see his regular doctor in Portland this Wednesday about another (hopefully unrelated) issue. They did a cardiac stress test on Monday morning before he was discharged and found a slight (10%) blockage in the artery that brings blood to the heart – not immediately life-threatening, but definitely not the best news!

The hospital’s cardiologists recommended that Darrell have an angioplasty, which is where they insert a balloon into the artery to stretch it out and decrease the amount of restriction. So we will take all the test results to Darrell’s primary care doctor tomorrow to see what he recommends. My guess is that there’s an angioplasty in our not-too-distant future.

The original reason for tomorrow’s appointment is to discuss the results of a cranial (head) MRI that Darrell had on March 6 after experiencing some rather scary memory problems over the past few weeks. His mom died of Alzheimer’s, making this problem as concerning to both of us as the cardiac issues are. When it rains, it definitely pours! I’m praying that there’s a less-than-frightening reason for all of this and we can just continue rolling along as always.

Now, I know full well that there are those of you out there whose circumstances have similarly tried to derail your lives – feeling somewhat like Satan has selected you as his favorite target, concentrating his evil arrows specifically in your direction. (Do you sometimes feel like you have a giant bull’s eye painted on your chest?) A couple of you immediately come to mind in that regard.

One reason I have let my blog go for so long is that I feel like there’s not much to say, except to whine all about “poor me” and all of my troubles. But, if there’s any way you can stand to bear with me, unfortunately this is how I process problems and cope with the sticky wickets of life. It has to be SOOOOO boring – you are darling and patient friends to stick with me, in spite of the incessant whining. God bless you for that!

Keep praying!

XOXO
Joanne


MY TEXT FOR THE DAY: Psalm 143 (TLB)

Hear my prayer, O Lord; answer my plea, because you are faithful to your promises. Don’t bring me to trial! For as compared to you, no one is perfect. My enemies chased and caught me. They have knocked me to the ground. They force me to live in the darkness like those in the grave. I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear.

I remember the glorious miracles you did in days of long ago. I reach out for you. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens; don’t turn away from me or I shall die. Let me see your kindness to me in the morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for my prayer is sincere. Save me from my enemies, O Lord, I run to you to hide me. Help me to do your will, for you are my God. Lead me in good paths, for your Spirit is good.

Lord, saving me will bring glory to your name. Bring me out of all this trouble because you are true to your promises. And because you are loving and kind to me, cut off all my enemies and destroy those who are trying to harm me; for I am your servant.