Wow! January is more than half gone already - unbelievable! It seems like we just get used to writing and saying "January," and it's time to switch to February. And wasn't it just Thanksgiving last week!!?? Time definitely flies.

We have again settled into the routine of being back in California. I always feel a bit disoriented when we first get home, and again when we first return to my brother's. I kinda wander around in a daze for a couple of days, not sure where I am or what I'm supposed to do. I can't find things in my own kitchen. The garbage can and the silverware aren't in the "right" places. I keep looking for things in the places where they are kept at the other house, wherever I'm not. And grocery shopping is a nightmare. I remember we're low on this or that and toss one in the grocery cart, then when I go to the cupboard (at either place), there are two of that item sitting there on the shelf, and the thing I REALLY needed to buy is either gone or in short supply. It gets very confusing, even with a list.

My sis-in-law went to a kindergarten teachers conference this weekend. She left Saturday morning and came back early this evening (Sunday). We were more than a little nervous having her gone overnight. I hardly slept at all - like that first night you have your newborn home from the hospital, or when one of your kids is really sick. I had one ear tuned to hear Dick if he got up in the night and fell or something. First thing this morning I looked over at my sister in her bed and said, "Well, we made it!" I had prayed all night that Dick would remain safe in his bed through the night. Daylight was such a relief!

Monday will be a relaxing day. There's no school because of MLK's birthday, and Nancy will be able to stay home, which will be really nice for Dick. We got the laundry chores all done today so that tomorrow can just be a veg-out day. The weather has been beautiful - some days in the 70's, so maybe we can spend some time outdoors. Darrell tells me it was 26 degrees outside our kitchen window this morning. That's too cold! Wish he could be here to enjoy the sunshine with me.

I have been reading my Rick Warren book (Purpose Driven Life). If you don't have a copy, you have to get one. It a fabulous, practical and encouraging book. If you have a copy, promise me you'll read Chapter 18. It talks about those times when you're feeling alone, your prayers don't go any higher than the ceiling, and you feel God is either off somewhere taking a nap or has forgotten about you altogether. You're just not feelin' it! When one of my most precious friends is feeling this way, she offers to give God her Social Security number to make sure He remembers who she is (Hey, God - it's me, Diane!). Of course, she isn't serious, but we almost feel that way sometimes. I know I do!

Sometimes I lie in my bed at night in the darkness and plead with God to heal my brother, and/or to give me, my sis and Mom, the strength to deal with everything that's happening, now and in the future. And for me it's more than my brother's failing health, although that is huge. My daughter and her kids are struggling with anger, emotional and financial issues after finalizing a nasty divorce (one she never wanted from the get-go), and my son is who-knows-where - he has left his wife and two precious kids. We aren't even certain where he is. He says Iowa, or Nebraska (depending on who you're talking to). Can you imagine a mother's anguish not knowing where her precious boy is! And I feel badly about leaving my husband at home all alone. He is so precious and supportive, but gets terribly lonely between home visits. I miss him and fight feelings of guilt for neglecting him.

One of my favorite Christian songs is called, "Learning to Lean on Jesus," and believe me I am being taught that lesson, more and more EVERY day! Since there is not one single thing I can do to fix any of these things that are so profoundly broken in my life and in my family, there is only One place to turn. At one point while I was home at Christmas, I had somewhat of a meltdown, crying and carrying on. I was bawling and told my husband, "Everywhere I turn there is something hugely broken and totally out of [my] control!" Learning to lean! Why is it so hard? Why do we feel we have to do SOMETHING to try to fix things or make them better? I guess I get that from my sweet Daddy. He was a "get-in-the-car-go-and-do-SOMETHING" kinda guy. I can still remember him in difficult situations, pacing the floor and brainstorming ideas, desperately trying to come up with "something" he could do to help or fix the situation. I guess that's just our natural human inclination.

So... It's probably a good thing that there's nothing I can do in any of these situations. All I can do is love the people involved, pray a lot, and rely on the One who is "able to save to the uttermost." And all the while, I'm learning to lean!

I love you all - couldn't make it without all of you in my life!

XOXO
Joanne

MY TEXT FOR TODAY: Isaiah 49:14-16 (TLB)

Yet they way, "My Lord deserted us; he has forgotten us."

Never! Can a mother forget her little child and not have love for her own son? Yet even if that should be, I will not forget you. See, I have tattooed your name upon my palm..."

He must have a very big palm, because I know your name is tattooed there with mine! XOXO